The Trauma of Cox-Narcissistic Parents: A Family’s Journey

This is a profound and challenging topic to discuss. The experiences of growing up with narcissistic parents, especially covert or co-narcissistic ones, can shape an individual's life trajectory in significant and often painful ways. Here, I will share my own experience and observations about the impact of my narcissistic parents on me and my siblings.

The Covert Mother: Belittling and Manipulation

When asked about my experiences with a narcissistic parent, I start with the covert mother, the one who, on the surface, appeared to have a perfect upbringing. Yet, beneath the polished exterior was a cycle of belittling, triangulation, and manipulation. My mother, who was raised under the adoration of her family and was told she could take her children to the White House due to their impeccable behavior, exhibited covert narcissism. This was not a transparent exhibition of ego or self-importance, but rather a hidden form of manipulation where she used subtle tactics to control and belittle others. For instance, she would create a situation where someone felt marginalized or isolated, only to bring them back into the fold under her own terms. This behavior, which I witnessed as triangulation, was a hallmark of her covert narcissistic tendencies.

The Manipulative Father: The Foster Care Experience

My father, on the other hand, also exhibited signs of narcissism, albeit in a more overt manner. However, his experience in foster care left a profound and lasting impact on him. Raised during the depression, with constant hunger, cold, and neglect, his childhood trauma was compounded by the verbal and physical abuse from his biological father. This environment led him to develop his own coping mechanisms, many of which were maladaptive. The foster care experience, which included physical beatings, hunger, and being left cold in a chicken coop, was a formative part of his upbringing. Despite these trials, my father managed to become a master pastry chef. His drive and resilience were rooted in the belief that if he learned to bake, he would ensure he never went hungry again. The story of his mentor, who promised him never to go without food or shelter, is a testament to the strength and survival instincts that developed within him in the face of adversity.

Childhood Trauma: The Need for Coping Mechanisms

Both my parents' childhoods were marked by significant trauma. My mother lost her mother at a tragically young age and was cared for by her grandmother until she was in high school. She then lived as a babysitter with her older siblings who were married and had children of their own. My mother's life before my father entered it was one of care and supervision by various family members. The events that led to my mother's early loss of her mother, while not fully understood, likely contributed to the lacking love and care she received during her sensitive developmental years. My father's traumatic experiences, including foster care and a strained relationship with his alcoholic and manipulative father, suggest that his childhood was similarly fraught with challenges.

The Legacy of Trauma: Narcissistic Coping Strategies

Both of my parents, despite their differing styles of coping with trauma, adopted narcissistic behaviors as a means to shield themselves from the pain of their past. Addison's disease or other neurologic diseases, such as myasthenia gravis and Parkinson's, are visible signs of the internal struggle they carried. It's vital to recognize that the experiences of my parents do not exist in isolation; the trauma they experienced in their childhoods had a profound impact on their parenting and our upbringing. The legacy of trauma is something that continues to affect our family even today, years after their passing.

Conclusion: Healing and Moving Forward

The experiences of growing up with co-narcissistic parents have left indelible marks on me and my siblings. Reflecting on these experiences allows us to acknowledge the pain and work towards healing. It's important to seek support, whether through therapy, support groups, or simply sharing our stories, to understand the impact of such dynamics and find ways to move forward. In the end, while the pain of our history may never fully dissipate, we can choose to live with its lessons and build stronger, more resilient relationships. We can also work to ensure that the next generation is raised in environments free from the shadows of narcissistic upbringing.

Heartfelt appreciation goes out to all those who have contributed to our family's story, especially my aunt Jennette and mother Clara, whose life and legacy I strive to honor. As my mother Clara, now 85, faces the recent challenges brought on by her health, including a recent hospitalization with COVID after esophageal surgery, my heart is filled with both sadness and gratitude for the family's support and resilience.

May our stories serve as a reminder of the importance of addressing and healing from the legacy of trauma, and may we continue to build stronger, healthier relationships moving forward.