Living with Loss and Worrying About Loved Ones: Strategies for Managing Anxiety
Over the past two years, I have lost three very close people. With my parents in their mid-60s, I increasingly worry that I won't have enough time with them, and accidents could happen anytime. How do I process and quiet these thoughts?
The answer is simple: just call, video chat, or visit your parents more often. Soon, those thoughts will begin to fade, and regular contact with your parents will help quiet them by the action you take. Do all you can to help keep your parents safe. At 65-69, they are still doing quite well and will likely be independent until their mid-70s or later. Then, you will find yourself more involved in their caregiving.
A better approach is to ask your parents what they need from you now to help them when they do require more assistance as they age. Prioritizing their needs now can reduce future worry.
Unresolved Grief and Worrying About Lost Loved Ones
There is a concern that unresolved grief may play a role in your thoughts. If you were not able to visit your parents often enough before they passed, you may be dealing with some unresolved grief. In this case, consulting with a counselor could be beneficial.
Managing Constant Worry and Circular Thinking
These thoughts are natural and understandable, given that losing your parents can happen at any time. You don't need to stop these thoughts but learn ways to 'pace' them or allow them for a period of time and then let them go. Some people schedule time to focus on just those people, or they visit them on a regular schedule.
As an adult, I have grappled with persistent circular thinking patterns for years. Over time, I have learned some helpful techniques from counselors, reading, and experimenting with what works. 'Allowing' the what-if thoughts is important.
Accepting Reality and Limiting Worrying Thoughts
The thoughts are true: accidents can happen to anyone at any time, and we never have enough time with our loved ones. As the saying goes, 'no one is promised tomorrow.' So, all we can do is spend time with them in person or, if illness or distance makes that difficult or impossible, on the phone or online through Zoom or FaceTime, or any other online platform to enjoy the moments you spend with them.
But if you keep worrying, you are not living fully in the present. You are spending your living time worrying about not living or them not living—and you are not fully living. It is easier said than done to stop thinking those thoughts. Accepting the reality of the situation can help you start to let go of what you cannot control.
Push yourself to limit how many times a day these thoughts enter your mind and try to reduce that by one or two each week until you no longer allow them in. If you cannot shake them, consider seeing a professional counselor. Therapy can be very beneficial in helping you train your mind to stop the negative and anxious loop we can find ourselves in.