Fred Rogers and Secure Attachment: The Healing Power of Kindness and Love

We all long to feel loved and accepted for who we are. To be seen and comforted in our distress feels soothing and deeply affirming. Emotional support like this is a good sign of secure attachment. When you know your wellbeing matters to someone, that's another mark of secure attachment. Childhood is a critical time for learning and experiencing secure attachment. Our earliest relationships do a great deal to establish our sense of self and wellbeing. Knowing 'I matter, my needs matter, and my loved ones will help keep me safe' affirm a child's sense of self-worth.

Secure Attachment Is a Human Need

Yet not all children grow up with secure attachment. Some children do not grow up feeling seen, loved, and accepted for who they are. Many children experience insecure anxious or disorganized attachment styles which can contribute to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). These are painful and can lead to trauma.

Television pioneer Fred Rogers cared deeply about the distress children feel. Even without having a therapeutic background, Mr. Rogers consistently helped viewers—especially children—learn the nature of secure attachment. His signature PBS series Mister Rogers' Neighborhood prescribed the elements for secure attachment day after day—even though he never used those words. Each episode gave kids assurance that they're loved for exactly who they are, while showing them how to affirm the same for others.

Fred Rogers and His Journey

In the new documentary film Won't You Be My Neighbor, we see a profound example of post-traumatic growth. It reveals Fred Rogers' own history of trauma alluding to his experience of being bullied during childhood, depression, and struggles with weight. He endured painful shame and loneliness, and spent time in bed feeling isolated.

I wonder if Rogers' messages of self-worth and the affirmations he shared with viewers came from his own healing journey. I wonder if he wanted to help more children find the acceptance he'd always longed for. It made me think of 12-step meetings in which part of the healing process is helping others through peer support. Each person gains something from being of service to others. My impression is that Mr. Rogers not only explained the basis for secure attachment to many children. His neighborhood also helped him continue to heal, thrive, and grow as a person.

The Power of Media

Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood first aired in 1968 at a time when many other shows sought laughs at other characters' expense. Rogers saw a need for something totally different: a show that brought kindness and love. Many years later, after 9/11, Mr. Rogers did a public service announcement to unify us using broadcast media and asking people to respect and love each other.

While TV and technology can bring us together, technology can also isolate us. Family members who sit at the dinner table, eyes glued to their cell phones, can't give each other secure attachment. A controversial show like 13 Reasons Why or a movement like MeToo may either isolate us or bring us together. It depends on whether we use them to open up a dialogue.

Won't You Be My Neighbor is a feel-good film. Yet it reminds us that media can connect or divide us. It's important to be mindful of how we're using media and technology. Ask: Is this bringing us closer—or further apart?

A Trauma Survivor's Deepened Sensitivity

People who have experienced trauma may feel greater sensitivity for others because of what was missing in their own lives. They may see the gaps of unmet needs more clearly. When a trauma survivor has come out the other side of a healing journey, still surviving and thriving, they may be the best equipped to offer secure attachment to others.

Rogers exemplified this when he said, 'Love and trust in the space between what’s said and what’s heard in our life can make all the difference in the world.'

Conclusion

Mr. Rogers reminds us to 'look for the helpers.' That's a great example of one of my top 8 ways to feel safe right now, specifically number 5: Be a safe space. How can we be like Mr. Rogers? Perhaps we can all show more kindness, love, respect, and acceptance to those around us.

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'

Mr. Rogers' legacy is one of kindness, love, and secure attachment. Let us be inspired to cultivate these qualities in ourselves and in those around us. May his message of love and acceptance continue to guide us in a world that often seems in need of both.