Forgiveness and Its Limitations: A Personal Journey Through Bullying

The question of forgiveness often resurfaces in our lives, especially in the wake of traumatic events. In my own journey, I have had to navigate the complex terrain of forgiveness, particularly in relation to bullies who have caused deep and lasting harm. This journey has taught me much about myself and the limits of forgiveness.

Forgiving the Worst Bully Ever

Yes, I have forgiven the worst bully I ever had. After he raped me, he continued a pattern of violence and bullying that lasted for three years. This experience fundamentally altered my life, and I was never the same afterward. I never went on real dates or fell in love, and my experiences of intimacy were profoundly affected. The weight of these events was too heavy for me to bear.

Forgiving him was not about forgetting what happened. Forgiveness is a personal choice that helps one move forward, but it does not erase the past. I had to forgive him for my own sake, to lighten the burden of carrying these traumas. If someone asks, 'Can you forget what he did?', the answer is clear: no, I cannot forget, and more importantly, I will not. I need to retain that memory to guard against similar situations. Removing myself from situations that might put me in harm's way is crucial.

Forgiving Basil: A Different Path

There were instances when forgiveness seemed more straightforward. For example, Basil, a bully who pushed eraser shavings down my neck, received a black eye in return. I offered him forgiveness quickly. However, this easy forgiveness pales in comparison to the deep-seated trauma and challenges of forgiving a bully who has committed acts of violence and psychological harm.

Debating Forgiveness: A Complex Emotional Landscape

The complexity of forgiveness is particularly evident when considering my adolescent self. If I had been 11, 12, or 13 when these bullies assaulted me, would my teenage self have been able to forgive those who hurt her? The answer is ambiguous. Now, decades later, I am an adult. I do not have the right to forgive something that happened to a different, younger version of myself. Forgiveness is a personal journey, and it is not mine to give or to honor any longer.

I have faced a dozen or so bullies from my past who have apologized to me. However, not a single one of them asked for my forgiveness. They intuitively understood that forgiveness wasn't within my power. This realization is both validating and humbling. It emphasizes the unique nature of our experiences and the limitations of forgiveness.

Compassion and Understanding: A Path to Peace

Feeling anger towards bullies is understandable, but it is not the same as forgiveness. The bullies were children then, and perhaps my teenage self could have mustered up some anger at their teenage selves. Now that we are adults, the circumstances have changed. They handled their pain badly, and they've been haunted by their behavior ever since. I do not want to forgive them, as they have not asked for it. Instead, I choose to offer them compassion and understanding.

I am not anguished by the bullies. I do not feel there's anything to forgive. Their troubled histories and terrible home lives led them to act in hurtful ways. They are now adults, and they know the consequences of their actions. In a sense, I was luckier than they were. I never had to lie awake at night, feeling guilty about hurting an innocent child. I am sorry for what they have had to go through, and I genuinely wish I could have made a difference. Extending my apologies to them for failing to understand what they were going through is a small step towards healing.

However, there is one aspect of forgiveness that is inescapable: I cannot forgive the bullies from my childhood. Making peace with them is enough, and that is all I can realistically work on.